Falling Down: A Pain Unseen
“Double whiskey and a beer, please.” Once again I’m in my favorite pub when I
should be writing. I like it here though;
I can find peace and clarity. As usual, Darryl is perched at the far end of the
bar. Darryl’s a fat slob, but I
respect his fortitude. He’s here
every day/night. He cusses about
how shitty his life and marriage are until he gets plowed enough to let
depression overcome his angst. If
he’s having a really bad go of it, he’ll feel that need for a woman, but not
his woman. He’ll want something
different. So he usually then buys
Lisa (or another one of the skanks that frequent the place) enough drinks to
get her into it and they’ll leave together. It’s not really a pick-up, a woman like Lisa will fuck you,
suck you, shit on you- if that’s what you’re into- and all you have to do is
buy her some drinks and throw her a little money at the end and she’ll be
happy. If you don’t want to pay
for it, give her a sympathetic ear and let her tell you one of her tragedies. Act like you care. She’s just as lost as anyone else, and
if the mood is right, she’ll give it away for that brief moment of having
something real to hold on to instead of the loneliness.
Lisa will drink whiskey when given to her, but gin is
the preferred means to fortify herself against the demons. In this world of ours, we’re just
trying to grind, scrape and claw our way through another day without killing
someone, or ourselves. You’ll find
all types in this place, but when it comes to the women, they can usually be
thrown into two categories: drunks and whores. But then again, you can say the
same thing about the men.
“How about another round?” I yell down to Paul, the barman, who seems to have forgotten
about my end of the bar while he chats with Darryl. As I shout, I notice the couple at the side table on my left
are really going at it. I’ve never
been one to screw around in public.
What’s the point of showcasing intimacy to desperate strangers,
especially in a place like this?
This is a drinkers’ bar. Among other things, it could also be called a brothel,
school, paradise, jail, torture, or church. Take your pick.
For myself, the latter holds true, it’s more spiritual.
“How about another beer and whiskey my friend?” I call out again while the jukebox is
between songs and finally catch Paul’s attention.
After a while, I see that the couple to my left have
stopped their make-out session and now seem to be upset with each other. The girl is not saying a word. She’s crying on the inside and the guy
doesn’t care. That’s how quick
things can change in life.
After a few more rounds, it’s time to go. I can feel the drunk coming on. I go home hoping to get some words out
on the page, but on the way out, I pick up a fifth of whiskey to-go from Paul. Paul’s a fairly good guy and he only
drinks when he wants to kill himself.
Therefore, he is drunk often.
Once in the friendly confines of my apartment with my
family of roaches, I sit in front of my computer. “What’s it going to be?...” I ask myself hoping for the
right words to flash across my mind like a plane pulling a banner across the
sky. Of course, as soon as I’m finally
feeling an immortal thought coming on, there’s a knock at the door.
It’s Hank from across the hall. He must’ve heard me come in and is looking
for a break from his old lady. He
wants a drink. Lucky for me, I’ve
already dented my fifth pretty good, so the charity ward will not be in full
swing tonight, but I’m happy to fill him up. He’s just as screwed, and broken, as the rest of us.
“Hey man, what’s news?” He says as he plops down in the lounger next to my desk.
“Nada….same old shit.”
“Where’s Wendy?”
“Gone, left about a week ago.” Wendy was a girl I was hanging with
until she found another guy with a little more luck than myself and bailed. I was true to her and into it, but that
doesn’t matter these days, it’s all about what you can give and honesty and loyalty aren’t considered to be of much value it seems. I do feel that one day it’ll all come back to me. What you give to the world, the world
will eventually give you back.
While I cannot guarantee this, we all need something to give us hope and
this is my crutch.
After about ten minutes, the whiskey is finished and Hank’s
smoked two of my cigarettes. He’s
just sitting still now as the war rages on in his mind. He’s also waiting, waiting to see if I’ll
pull out another bottle. Not
today.
After a while, the poor bastard gets up and leaves--- he
doesn’t bother to say anything, not even a thanks. In all honesty, that’s what I actually like about the guy. He doesn’t fuck around with manufactured
politeness. If he has something to
say, he says it, otherwise, he shuts up.
If humans didn’t have the ability to talk so much, life would be a lot easier.
I wake up, the sun has risen, but it’s cloudy and the
light is stale. I still haven’t written
anything. I piss and then go to
the kitchen. I pour myself a
drink, light a smoke and stare out my window, as I contemplate getting myself
through another day. A little boy
walking with a little girl come into view. They start across the street toward the park. It’s probably his little sister. They’re small and clean, and happy
looking. About halfway across the
street the boy spots some ducks, gets excited and runs ahead. The girl tries to follow and catch-up
to him, but trips on the curb and falls on her face. Hard. The boy doesn’t
even notice because he’s chasing the ducks around, trying to get them to
fly. The girl, about to cry, looks
around for sympathy, but there is no one there to give it, so she doesn't make a fuss. She catches up to
her brother as the ducks take flight and the kids continue into the park. I stand at the
window, imagining her falling again and again and again- all the while not
feeling any pain because no one cares to notice. Maybe today will be a good day.
I drain my glass and refill it.
###
Subscribe by Email: If you would like to
receive an email letting you know when I post and providing a link, please send an email to: libertinereflections@gmail.com
with the word "Subscribe" in the subject line and I'll add you to the
list. Please share my blog with others- Thanks!
###