Cupcake

Cupcake

I was at a house party in Logan Square that a chick I know, Victoria, was hosting.  It was in a small apartment; so even though only around 20 people were there, that was enough to make it standing room only.  No one was dancing, but music was playing in the living room from a laptop that was plugged into the speaker system for the TV.

I had just said goodnight to someone at the front door and thought I’d make my way back through the crowd for a last beer or two before heading out myself.  After I closed the door, I took a quick look into the bedroom to my left to see if anything interesting was going on in there.  The lights were off, but the streetlight was streaming in through the windows.  As I popped my head in I could see an Asian guy lying back on the bed staring at the ceiling with his feet still flat on the floor and there was a black woman sitting next to him with her back toward me.  The guy looked out of it and the woman seemed to be stroking his head and saying, “it’s ok, it’s going to be ok, it’s ok,” over and over.  I clearly didn’t want anything to do with that scene and started making my way through the living room to the beer stash in the kitchen. 

As I passed the television stand, I looked down and noticed that someone had left a half eaten cupcake nestled between the TV and the laptop.  Now, seeing this cupcake balancing so precariously, I decided to be a good Samaritan and throw it out.  I didn’t want someone to accidently knock it onto the floor where it would make a mess for Victoria.  So, without any pomp, I bent down and grabbed it and continued toward the kitchen. 

Once there I approached the garbage bin, which was across from the sink and stove.  There were three guys standing in front of the garbage can having a discussion.  One of the guys was a person I’d met earlier in the evening.  He seemed like a nice enough guy.  His name was Brandon and he was originally from Texas, but had lived in Chicago for many years.  He was also the person standing directly in front of the garbage can and the only one from the group that I had met, so, for some reason- I don’t even know why, trying to be funny I guess, I made a little joke as I went to throw out the abandoned cupcake.

“Hey, did one of you leave this half eaten cupcake next to the stereo?”  I said with a smile.  They all just stopped their conversation and looked at me.  “Is this yours?”  I continued as I lifted the cupcake into the middle of their circle and looked at Brandon.  Still nothing.  The joke clearly wasn’t connecting, so I decided to let it go.  “Well, if this isn’t yours, can you make a little space so I can throw it out?” 

“You calling me a cupcake?”  Brandon said, very serious all of a sudden.

“Cupcake?  No, I was just throwing away this half eaten cupcake I found on the stereo and was asking if it was one of---”

“WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING ME A CUPCAKE?!?!?” Brandon yelled raising his voice dramatically.  He appeared to be trying to psyche himself up and was getting all animated now.  He was also refusing to give me any access to the garbage can.  It was clearly time to nip this in the bud.

“Hey man, I’m not calling you, or anyone, a cupcake.  Seriously.  I was just trying to throw this out so that it didn’t fall on the floor and make a mess.  No stress, don’t worry about it.  I’ll just leave it by the sink.”  I said and retreated to the other side of the room and put the cupcake down next to some dirty dishes on the counter. 

Once there, I grabbed a beer and saw Victoria.  When she saw me, she asked how I liked the party.

“It’s been great, thanks again for inviting me.”  I answered.

“Oh, it’s nothing.  I’m glad you made it.”  

“I will say that I just had a strange experience with your friend Brandon.”  Throughout this conversation I could see Brandon was staring at me the whole time.

“What happened?” 

“Well, maybe I was wrong for making a joke, but I found this half eaten cupcake lying on the laptop and went to throw it out.”  I indicated to the lonely remains of the cupcake now sitting in a puddle getting soggy next to the sink.  “When I got to the trash, I made a joke about it maybe being one of theirs and things got a little weird.”  By this time Brandon was inching his way closer so that he could hear what I was saying.  I again choose to defuse the situation, so I turned and confronted him.

“Seriously dude, what’s the problem?  It was just a misunderstanding, a bad joke.”  I said.

He immediately stepped over, got in my face and said in a coarse whisper, “I just want to kick your fucking ass right now!”  Victoria took a step back.

“Are you kidding me?  Jesus, let it go man.  I really didn’t mean anything by it.”

“You call me a cupcake and you don’t think that’s offensive?”

“Actually, no, I don’t.  Also, I wasn’t calling you cupcake.  I was making a joke that it may’ve been your cupcake and trust me, I regret even saying that now.”  I stared him right in the eyes.  “Come on, let it go.  Why pick a fight over nothing?”

Brandon didn’t know what to say and with Victoria right there looking quite concerned, he finally relented, “Ok, I guess it was a mistake.” 

“Cool, seriously, I never meant any offense.”  I added while offering him my hand.  We shook hands and he walked back to his group by the trash.  I looked at Victoria and she laughed in a nervous way. 

“What the hell just happened?”  She said.

“I really have no idea.”

“I never even knew cupcake was such an insult, what does it even mean?”  Victoria said.

“Well, I guess it could mean gay or girlie in a derogatory way, though I didn’t even think about that when I said it.  People are such idiots I swear.  I just asked if the half eaten cupcake was one of theirs before throwing it away and all hell breaks out.  What kind of world are we living in?”  I asked rhetorically, still tying to figure out what the heck just went down.  Of course, while we were talking every time I glanced in Brandon’s direction his eyes were fixed on me as if I was the only person at the party.

“Let’s stop talking about this.  He’s still tryin’ to listen in.  I’m going to head out back for a smoke to let things cool down.”  Brandon followed me with his eyes as I exited the room.  As I walked to the back, I realized my mood was ruined and decided it was time to get the hell out (after finishing my beer of course).  

Victoria showed up a few minutes later.  She was concerned, “I really feel sorry about what happened,”

“Oh, please don’t worry about it.  I’m sure he must’ve gotten over it once I left the room.  There are more important things in the world than fighting over a cupcake.”  I added, wishing it was somehow true.  

After a couple minutes, I was done.  I thanked and said goodbye to Victoria.  However, as I made my way back inside, I was sorry to find out that news of the “cupcake scandal” had made its way through the party like a tsunami hitting an island in the Pacific- everyone seemed to know about it.  Of course, Brandon’s beady little eyes immediately honed in on me as I entered the kitchen area.  DEFCON-2- we can go ballistic at anytime, I told myself. 

It got worse.  Every time I passed someone I had met, they were calling me “cupcake” and then making a joke about the whole thing, which was dramatically slowing down my exit.  While I understood the humor in it, it was hard to laugh with Brandon still in my peripheral vision listening and physically reacting in a strange manner every time the word “cupcake” was spoken aloud.  Once he bristled up and rose slightly on the balls of his feet as if he may explode at any moment.  At another incident of hearing this dreadful word, he started rocking back and forth while looking up at the ceiling with a strange smile as if he needed some supernatural support from the gods.  Definitely DEFCON-2.  Attack imminent.

As I was entering the main room, yet another person came up and said, “Hey cupcake!  How you feeling?”  I laughed it off, but then saw Brandon had started walking toward me, but he shifted as I turned to face him and made his way into the toilet.  He glanced back at me while closing the door maintaining his evil scowl.   

I immediately assumed that he was going into the toilet to top himself off with some of the coke (or something else) that was going around the party and figured it was best to exit before he would emerge even more jacked up.  I said some quick goodbyes to no one I ever cared to see again and left.  It wasn’t so much as running away, as it was just avoiding a ridiculous confrontation with a fool over something totally meaningless.

The next morning I received a text from Victoria telling me that after I left, Brandon picked a fight with one of her other friends.  While I was glad to have sidestepped that obvious outcome, a certain depression remained over me.  These days, it just seems like society is so lost and divided and everywhere I go, there is some form of a “Brandon” waiting on the sidelines to confront me and manufacture a petty confrontation.  And when things don’t play out as they want, they’ll then latch on to something they can pervert into an insult, like something as small and insignificant as a half eaten cupcake.

Epilogue:  A short time later I was at another house party and wouldn’t you know it, I spied a half eaten brownie abandoned on the arm of the couch as I went by.  I almost left it there, but quickly resolved that I couldn’t let the Brandon incident change my natural inclination to lend a helping hand and that I should throw it out.  I had the brownie in my hand as I entered the kitchen smiling as I remembered how ludicrous the Brandon incident was.  Then I noticed that right in front of the garbage can were three black guys having an animated discussion.  They stopped talking and stared at me as I approached with the brownie held out in front of me.  I was about to say something about throwing it out when panic hit.  I then stuffed the entire remainder of the brownie into my mouth, looked down and kept walking.

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