Cupcake
I was at
a house party in Logan Square that a chick I know, Victoria, was hosting. It was in a small apartment; so even
though only around 20 people were there, that was enough to make it standing
room only. No one was dancing, but
music was playing in the living room from a laptop that was plugged into the
speaker system for the TV.
I had
just said goodnight to someone at the front door and thought I’d make my way
back through the crowd for a last beer or two before heading out myself. After I closed the door, I took a quick
look into the bedroom to my left to see if anything interesting was going on in
there. The lights were off, but
the streetlight was streaming in through the windows. As I popped my head in I could see an Asian guy lying back
on the bed staring at the ceiling with his feet still flat on the floor and
there was a black woman sitting next to him with her back toward me. The guy looked out of it and the woman
seemed to be stroking his head and saying, “it’s ok, it’s going to be ok, it’s
ok,” over and over. I clearly didn’t
want anything to do with that scene and started making my way through the living
room to the beer stash in the kitchen.
As I passed
the television stand, I looked down and noticed that someone had left a half
eaten cupcake nestled between the TV and the laptop. Now, seeing this cupcake balancing so precariously, I
decided to be a good Samaritan and throw it out. I didn’t want someone to accidently knock it onto the floor
where it would make a mess for Victoria.
So, without any pomp, I bent down and grabbed it and continued toward the
kitchen.
Once
there I approached the garbage bin, which was across from the sink and stove. There were three guys standing in front
of the garbage can having a discussion.
One of the guys was a person I’d met earlier in the evening. He seemed like a nice enough guy. His name was Brandon and he was
originally from Texas, but had lived in Chicago for many years. He was also the person standing
directly in front of the garbage can and the only one from the group that I had
met, so, for some reason- I don’t even know why, trying to be funny I guess, I made
a little joke as I went to throw out the abandoned cupcake.
“Hey, did
one of you leave this half eaten cupcake next to the stereo?” I said with a smile. They all just stopped their
conversation and looked at me. “Is
this yours?” I continued as I
lifted the cupcake into the middle of their circle and looked at Brandon. Still nothing. The joke clearly wasn’t connecting, so
I decided to let it go. “Well, if
this isn’t yours, can you make a little space so I can throw it out?”
“You
calling me a cupcake?” Brandon
said, very serious all of a sudden.
“Cupcake? No, I was just throwing away this half
eaten cupcake I found on the stereo and was asking if it was one of---”
“WHY THE
FUCK ARE YOU CALLING ME A CUPCAKE?!?!?” Brandon yelled raising his voice
dramatically. He appeared to be
trying to psyche himself up and was getting all animated now. He was also refusing to give me any access
to the garbage can. It was clearly
time to nip this in the bud.
“Hey man,
I’m not calling you, or anyone, a cupcake. Seriously. I was
just trying to throw this out so that it didn’t fall on the floor and make a
mess. No stress, don’t worry about
it. I’ll just leave it by the
sink.” I said and retreated to the
other side of the room and put the cupcake down next to some dirty dishes on
the counter.
Once there,
I grabbed a beer and saw Victoria. When she saw me, she asked how I liked the party.
“It’s
been great, thanks again for inviting me.” I answered.
“Oh, it’s
nothing. I’m glad you made it.”
“I will
say that I just had a strange experience with your friend Brandon.” Throughout this conversation I could
see Brandon was staring at me the whole time.
“What
happened?”
“Well,
maybe I was wrong for making a joke, but I found this half eaten cupcake lying
on the laptop and went to throw it out.”
I indicated to the lonely remains of the cupcake now sitting in a puddle
getting soggy next to the sink.
“When I got to the trash, I made a joke about it maybe being one of
theirs and things got a little weird.”
By this time Brandon was inching his way closer so that he could hear
what I was saying. I again choose
to defuse the situation, so I turned and confronted him.
“Seriously
dude, what’s the problem? It was just
a misunderstanding, a bad joke.” I
said.
He
immediately stepped over, got in my face and said in a coarse whisper, “I just want
to kick your fucking ass right now!” Victoria took a step back.
“Are you
kidding me? Jesus, let it go man. I really didn’t mean anything by it.”
“You call
me a cupcake and you don’t think that’s offensive?”
“Actually,
no, I don’t. Also, I wasn’t
calling you cupcake. I was making
a joke that it may’ve been your cupcake and trust me, I regret even saying that
now.” I stared him right in the
eyes. “Come on, let it go. Why pick a fight over nothing?”
Brandon
didn’t know what to say and with Victoria right there looking quite concerned,
he finally relented, “Ok, I guess it was a mistake.”
“Cool,
seriously, I never meant any offense.”
I added while offering him my hand. We shook hands and he walked back to his group by the trash. I looked at Victoria and she laughed in
a nervous way.
“What the
hell just happened?” She said.
“I really
have no idea.”
“I never
even knew cupcake was such an insult, what does it even mean?” Victoria said.
“Well, I
guess it could mean gay or girlie in a derogatory way, though I didn’t even
think about that when I said it. People
are such idiots I swear. I just
asked if the half eaten cupcake was one of theirs before throwing it away and
all hell breaks out. What kind of
world are we living in?” I asked
rhetorically, still tying to figure out what the heck just went down. Of course, while we were talking every
time I glanced in Brandon’s direction his eyes were fixed on me as if I was the
only person at the party.
“Let’s
stop talking about this. He’s
still tryin’ to listen in. I’m
going to head out back for a smoke to let things cool down.” Brandon followed me with his eyes as I
exited the room. As I walked to
the back, I realized my mood was ruined and decided it was time to get the hell
out (after finishing my beer of course).
Victoria
showed up a few minutes later. She
was concerned, “I really feel sorry about what happened,”
“Oh,
please don’t worry about it. I’m
sure he must’ve gotten over it once I left the room. There are more important things in the world than fighting over
a cupcake.” I added, wishing it
was somehow true.
After a
couple minutes, I was done. I
thanked and said goodbye to Victoria.
However, as I made my way back inside, I was sorry to find out that news
of the “cupcake scandal” had made its way through the party like a tsunami
hitting an island in the Pacific- everyone seemed to know about it. Of course, Brandon’s beady little eyes
immediately honed in on me as I entered the kitchen area. DEFCON-2-
we can go ballistic at anytime, I told myself.
It got
worse. Every time I passed someone
I had met, they were calling me “cupcake” and then making a joke about the
whole thing, which was dramatically slowing down my exit. While I understood the humor in it, it
was hard to laugh with Brandon still in my peripheral vision listening and physically
reacting in a strange manner every time the word “cupcake” was spoken aloud. Once he bristled up and rose slightly
on the balls of his feet as if he may explode at any moment. At another incident of hearing this dreadful
word, he started rocking back and forth while looking up at the ceiling with a
strange smile as if he needed some supernatural support from the gods. Definitely DEFCON-2. Attack imminent.
As I was entering
the main room, yet another person came up and said, “Hey cupcake! How you feeling?” I laughed it off, but then saw Brandon
had started walking toward me, but he shifted as I turned to face him and made
his way into the toilet. He
glanced back at me while closing the door maintaining his evil scowl.
I
immediately assumed that he was going into the toilet to top himself off with
some of the coke (or something else) that was going around the party and
figured it was best to exit before he would emerge even more jacked up. I said some quick goodbyes to no one I
ever cared to see again and left. It
wasn’t so much as running away, as it was just avoiding a ridiculous
confrontation with a fool over something totally meaningless.
The next
morning I received a text from Victoria telling me that after I left, Brandon
picked a fight with one of her other friends. While I was glad to have sidestepped that obvious outcome, a
certain depression remained over me.
These days, it just seems like society is so lost and divided and everywhere
I go, there is some form of a “Brandon” waiting on the sidelines to confront me
and manufacture a petty confrontation.
And when things don’t play out as they want, they’ll then latch on to
something they can pervert into an insult, like something as small and
insignificant as a half eaten cupcake.
Epilogue: A short time later I was at another
house party and wouldn’t you know it, I spied a half eaten brownie abandoned on
the arm of the couch as I went by.
I almost left it there, but quickly resolved that I couldn’t let the
Brandon incident change my natural inclination to lend a helping hand and that
I should throw it out. I had the
brownie in my hand as I entered the kitchen smiling as I remembered how
ludicrous the Brandon incident was.
Then I noticed that right in front of the garbage can were three black
guys having an animated discussion.
They stopped talking and stared at me as I approached with the brownie
held out in front of me. I was
about to say something about throwing it out when panic hit. I then stuffed the entire remainder of
the brownie into my mouth, looked down and kept walking.
###
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