Forbidden Love

Forbidden Love

As Father John entered his small office, he was out of breath from walking up the winding stairway.  He loved the space though, as it provided him with much needed solitude between sermons, a place to be alone with his thoughts.  He had about an hour until the noon service was set to begin.    

The room was warm from all the sunlight streaming in, so he instinctively walked over to the main window and opened it.  The wind blew in cool and fresh, but the weather was not on his mind.  He was thinking about that damn girl again.  Ever since their last meeting, she had maintained a prominent place in the hierarchy of his thoughts. 

What was he to do?  Did he, of all people, finally find the repressed capacity to love?  He knew it was wrong and tried to convince himself to move on, forget about her, but it was no use.  Her feel, her smell, the way her eyes would look into his mind and soul, it was too much for him.  When he recalled his actions, he felt embarrassed and shy.  They went against all Church doctrine and if the affair ever came out, his career, his life would be over.  But, he loved her and no matter how many times he told himself to let it go, that he was being led astray, thoughts of her kept him devoted to this new path.    

He went to his desk and sat down.  Writing had always been an outlet to steady his mind and give him focus, which he needed now more than anything.  He decided to write a letter to the girl that had somehow undermined everything by opening his heart to real love for the first time in his life.  

My dear, sweet darling Patricia,

It is with a struggling heart that I write you.  My entire world has changed since we spent our last time together and I am being torn in two between all these new emotions and feelings that have been unleashed and what Canon Law and my role in the Church dictates I should do.  As I sit here, thinking about all the beautiful things we did together, I find myself missing you something terrible.  I have never known heartache like this and I truly wish it was something that would have remained in the dark, out of sight and far away from my feelings, but no matter how hard I try, thoughts of you will not let go.  I am ashamed that even though my mind tells me the right path forward, my heart will not let me take it. 

I wonder how things could have ended up this way.  Why is it that when I see you, even just in my mind’s eye, my heart opens and yearns for you to such an extent that I feel something heavy in my stomach?  This happens every time I think of you, which seems to be all the time now.  

He stopped writing and thought about his words.  He had never written anything like this before and could only assume that he was somehow under a spell and he was frightened by it, as he was frightened by the devil in his youth.  He took a deep breath, wiped his brow and returned to the letter. 

You should know that I completely adore you and have adored you from the very first moment I met you.  You are the most beautiful, kind and intriguing creature that the good Lord has ever put on this earth.  I truly feel that our souls connect in a unique and natural way.  You are that rare songbird who can inspire and lift all those around her, but whose song can only reach certain ears.  I can hear your song as clearly as I feel these thoughts, and I long to hear it again. 

I miss being in your embrace, but I also cannot find an acceptable path for us to move forward on together.  After dedicating my life to the Church, I know that I would be lost without it, but I also know that without you, my life wouldn’t have meaning.  What can we do my love?  I wish I had the answer.    

No matter what happens, don’t blame yourself or think that my inability to commit to you and love you the way you should be loved is your fault.  You deserve to be loved wholly and honestly by someone who is unencumbered and free, and I know you will be.  

It is all ridiculous; I know that.  This letter is even ridiculous, but I needed to say this to you, and to myself.

 I love you and will always love you- with all my heart, John

He reread the letter and was happy with it.  It would soon be noon and he could hear his congregation arriving below for Mass.  There was no more time to think about this any longer.  He folded the letter twice and put it into his bible at Mathew 7:1, a verse that had stayed with him over recent days.  He went and looked out the window for a moment.  It was truly a brilliant day.  He heard the laughter of children in the distance and birds singing in the trees nearby.  He could not rationalize his next step, as the entire situation was irrational, but he wrote what he needed to and maybe, hopefully, made his peace by doing it.  He still marveled at the thought that a man of the cloth could fall so deeply in love with such a young girl.  In a moment of capitulation, he happily gave into the emotion.  When his body hit the pavement below, right in front of Dan and Dorothy Miller, who were arriving for the noon service with their 11-year-old daughter Patricia, it had a smile on its face.

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