The Blue Haired Lady with Sparkly Eyes

The Blue Haired Lady with Sparkly Eyes

So, I was outside of the Ale House smoking a cig with Street Jimmy.  We were discussing the subtle nuances of Chaos Theory and butterfly effect when I realized I left my phone on my table inside the bar.  I quickly wrapped up the conversation with Jimmy, flung my smoke into the sewer and went back in to make sure no one swiped it.  Luckily, it was still there.

  

Before taking my seat, I grabbed another cold High Life from Elvis, the bartender, and then went back to reading the paper.  I was sitting at one of the tables near the jukebox.  After a few minutes, I see this strangely sexual woman with short blue hair, big round gold earrings, and tons of green sparkly eye shadow making her way from the back of the bar to the front door.  I looked over the rim of the newspaper and watched as she approached while texting on her phone.  She has a good walk.  It flows to a nice rhythm.  When she is only few feet away from me, she steps on a loose floorboard or something, loses her balance and falls right into my table and creates a real mess.  My fresh High Life spills all over the place and the table is vibrating like a madman since it is screwed into the floor.  I jump up to miss the waterfall of beer coming over the edge, while she is hopping around screaming, "Owww, my leg, fuck, fuck, bastard, my leg, my leg!"  I guess she gave herself the ultimate Charley-horse, but the poor thing is clearly in pain, tears mixed with mascara are streaming down from her well make-upped eyes and she is jumping up-and-down and spinning all-around.

It’s early at the Ale House, so there are only maybe 10-12 people in there, but as she's doing this somewhat erotic dance, some red headed long haired idiot with a hipster beard in his mid-to-late 20s comes over and starts yelling at me thinking that we are a couple fighting and that I hit her or something.  Now, I was reading at the time this all happened so I’m dumbfounded by this turn of events and tell the guy to relax and mind his own business, but before I can explain what happened or even comfort the sexy blue-haired lady, he yells "RELAX!", as if I just insulted him and his mother, "I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO RELAX!" and jumps on me.

We both fall to the floor and now we are rolling around wrestling with each other.  Luckily, I'm faster than I look and am used to getting randomly jumped- it happens to me quite a bit for some reason- so I gain the upper hand, pin him down by his neck and start telling him to calm down and that "I do not want this".  He's squirming like a worm just pierced through by a fishing hook, but lucky for me, Elvis is on the scene and quickly restores order to the place.  I pick myself up and the girl and I explain everything and the hipster doofus is ejected from the bar.

Elvis offers me another beer and the blue-haired lady is tripping over herself apologizing over what she started.  I tell her "it's fine, we all need to text-" and invite her to take a seat and join me for a drink.  She does and orders a Long Island Ice Tea.  She is wearing a short black leather-like skirt and I now see her magnificent sticks for the first time (with a bruise already forming on her left one) and we get to talking.  As the conversation builds steam, I ordered us a round of Malort. 

Despite the initial chaos, it was the start of another beautiful evening at the Ale House.

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